Crazy in love
by Beckaabook
Summary: Without Edward I was slowly becoming a darkened mind - finding him was my only chance of true survival of the mind" the story of Bella's increasing insanity without the love of her life. Can her mind be recovered when he returns?
1. Mind Loss

***AN – Crazy for love is about Edward and Bella – it all really began when Edward left Bella in new moon, Edward didn't come back, but Victoria did, Victoria bit Bella and she became a vampire, she tried to find the Cullen's but to no avail, she basically curled up into a ball and allowed her mind to die – after 100 years without him she doesn't even know who she is anymore, she is completely mad. The Cullen's return to Forks finding a Bella who doesn't even know her own name – but she's so different, they don't even know it's her...**

**P.S. – Try listening to Hurt by Christian Aguilera when you read.**

**Edwards recap of the past 100yrs later.**

"_Goodbye Bella," As I spoke the intense agony was ripping through my body, so much that it physically hurt._

"_Wait," her arms stretched out to bring me back, her alluring smell pulling me towards her, but I would not go, I would take the pain as long as I could save her from my monster. I grasped her wrists just to touch her some more, pushing them to her sides, I almost gave in to the stabbing knives which seemed to be cutting through my superhuman skin and plunging right into my dead, cold heart. I kissed her quickly on the forehead, trying to slow everything down in my mind, the last time I would touch the love of my existence._

"_Take care of yourself," I spoke the words gently, and I had to find an excuse for my caring, her face was the picture of desperation and destitution, I wanted to hold her so badly my arms ached for it, but I had to do this, for her own good._

_But she had closed her eyes, and it was the only way I could leave my beau, I took off, my heart being torn from my body and left with her. _

_She would get over me; I couldn't say the same for myself though._

_After trying but failing miserably to keep myself doing something and tracking Victoria, I used to curl up in a ball in the corner of some places and sob dry sobs. During the time before my family found me I began to lose my thoughts, all of my memories with Bella were so strong in my vampire mind that when they came to my mind all I could do was writhe in the agony I was in without her, Carlisle finally caught up with me when I was in Texas, slithering whether to be selfish and go back to her, beg her to take me back, or just go get myself "killed". Carlisle persuaded me to come back with him and after 50 years I was still having the moments where I curled and cried but they were becoming a little further apart, the pain I felt in my very soul – if I have one – never got any more bearable, but I tried to block it out by focusing on my family, when I had been separated 75 years I realised that she was probably dead and attempted several methods of vampire suicide, but none worked, my family were the only thread which was holding me onto my existence, the sorrow which I have now been immersed in for 100 years only increased when I found that we were now moving back to Forks, the last place left. The whole family had asked my permission to go back, and I had accepted for the reason I do not have, I just felt the pull towards the place of my most certainly dead Bella._

_The love of my existence is now gone, everything I have is now gone. _

**100 yrs ago – after Edward was gone 8 months and Bella was getting close to Jacob – Victoria finding her. – BPOV**

_I opened my bedroom door to just find myself face to face a fiery haired, red eyed monster sitting on the edge of my bed, an evil grin filling her face and her fingers tapping her chin – she pushed out her hand, curling a finger at me._

_Instant fear gripped my body as I saw her pull out a knife. I was stuck to the spot with no one to save me, I called out for him in my head, but he never came, Edward never came._

"_Well little bitty Bella, I have two choices for you, both which will eventually kill your absent boyfriend. One) Torture & Death Two) Immortality & Pain, which will it be? She asked, juggling the knife._

_And you can guess what I chose._

_She only just stopped in time, allowing the fire to wrap itself around m, burning my insides and making me wish suicide was an option, the thought of finding Edward kept me going through everything, his face I would never allow to disappear from my memories whether it hurt or not, so I pulled it out of my fuzzy human memories during my transformation and when I woke up I found my feelings for the missing angel were only strengthened._

_I opened my eyes to a horrid smelling Jacob, he had brung me just inside the Cullen's borders so the pack couldn't hurt me, but he immediately rejected my efforts to touch him, he cringed away from me like I was a monster, like it was my fault. He instructed me to leave Forks for good immediately and left me, with not one backwards glance, if my cold unbeating heart was not already broken to pieces he would have ripped it in two, I let him go knowing I could not control myself around him much longer _

_After days of just plain hunting, I decided I needed to find Edward, and now I had the "tools" to do it with, without Edward I was slowly becoming a darkened mind, everything inside me was going "off" – I needed him, he was my only chance of true survival of the mind._

_But I never found him, after years and years of searching I returned to the woods of Forks, finding a small garden shed type home to inhabit on the Cullen's old grounds and slowly losing my thoughts, everything was beginning to feel numb. After 75 years without him, only about once a day could I find myself able to unlock memories of who I was and who I existed for, after 100 yrs, I had blocked out everything. I didn't know who I was, _**who I am**_, where I am, who I loved, why I'm in this state. All of these questions would all stay unanswered, because my mind wasn't working enough to answer. Time without him had broken me, in more ways than one; my mind and my heart were now in pieces._

***AN – I usually always write longer chapters but this is to get the story going – so R&R – I ****love**** constructive critisism! x***


	2. The Return

***AN – Thanks for the alerts and reviews and just for reading guys! This chapter was actually really hard to write and I'm not so sure I done it justice:$ - just warning you that Edwards account of things are supposed to be like little statements of what's happening because his emotions are overworked with pain – aww:(. R && R thanks x***

Crazy in love chap. 2

**EPOV**

Back to the Beginning.

Everything I had tried to block from mind was quickly coming back.

My return to Forks may be the last straw.

I knew this when I agreed to return to Forks, yet I still consented to going to the one place on Earth which would cause me this type of unbearable hurt, I knew fine well that I would repeatedly be reminded of _her, _the one I had tried my utmost to protect which had resulted in my undead heart shattering never to be put back together again.

My family could never heal me but they kept me existing, various times have I attempted suicide and each time my family have found me and almost guilt tripped me into continuing, the past twenty five years has been the hardest, knowing that _she _is not around anymore, there will never be the chance to turn back from my agonising decision, the pain which started at my chest and spread through my body only increased when my perfect memory accidentally recalled her eyes, the beauty and passion which they held, everything I had was left with her and now I am just a walking talking super doll, no real emotions and being controlled by my "family".

They have never been bad about my changed lifestyle and when I do not talk to them for weeks they don't pester me, but I can hear them when I feel up to it, I learned when I lost Bella to block out others thought and retreat to my private areas; cry inwardly. I can hear them groaning inside their head.

_It was your choice man, just go back to her._

_He is ruining himself._

_Why is he still staying away? Talk about a masochist..._

I agreed that I was putting myself through incredible pain, but I disagreed that I was enjoying it.

Returning would only make my emotions stronger yet I still felt a strange pull towards the place of my now most definitely resting loved one.

I was resurfaced from the depths of my thoughts by Esme, gently knocking on my door and letting me know it was time to leave. I had a quick look around the empty room, and left.

Once in the cab with my family I rested my head against the window pane, noticing the extra ice which was covering the streets of all too familiar Alaska, I had now graduated four times in Alaska and everything now just seemed more monotonous than usual, I so almost compared the dull sight to _her, _creating a painful twinge in my chest.

I turned my head forward, Alice being in my eye line, just. I focused in on her and noticed her depressed expression, she pitied me. I focused in on her thoughts this time and was not surprised to hear her running over things to say to comfort me then just thinking better of it and deciding not to talk to me. That's how I preferred life now anyway.

The plane journey was as uneventful as every other and while I wallowed in self pity my family looked on trying to pretend they didn't notice, their thoughts told me different and I cursed my inability to create an expressionless mask like I used to, the pain always seeped through now. The air hostess tried it on with both Emmett and I, I just smiled a cold but wide smile scaring her off instantly and Rosalie growled at her making her scared shitless about talking to Emmett. One hundred years ago I would probably found it hilarious, now it seemed outrageous for anyone to even chuckle around me, I never meant to create such a hostile relationship with my family but it couldn't be helped, they didn't know what it was like losing her.

When we reached the airport I made my way to the car office and found that my silver Volvo was waiting to be picked up, I paid and got the keys watching as every member of my family did the same but with their own cars. Alice: Yellow Porche, Jasper: Silver VW, Carlisle: Black Mercedes, Esme: Baby Blue Mini, Rosalie: Scarlet Convertible & Emmett with his deep brown jeep. My families taste in cars had definitely not changed.

When I sat in my comfortable car it hit me where I was and the rain poured from the high heavens only adding to my pain, dry sobs escaped me as I sat there, my eyes closed and hurting.

I must have sat there for hours because I received a text message from Alice asking me where I was, I never bothered to answer but drove home in a numb trance, rain still pelting against my wind shield. I quickly reached my old home, struggling with the thought of actually getting out of the car, but I did and I reached my perfectly colour schemed home just as Emmett and Japer were speedily leaving.

"Wanna come with us?" Emmett boomed, stopping about 20 yards past me and pulling Jasper to a halt, I think, I may be mistaken, but I think he was trying to be sensitive to my feelings, asking me to go with them which he had not done in over sixty years, the look of shock on Jaspers face told me that this was unplanned and for a second I wanted to go with my brothers again, to be a carefree Edward, then I realised that was now an impossibility.

"No Em, thanks anyway, but I'm gonna go, uhm, look over some things." His face changed from a look of excitement to one of disappointment and I turned away to hide my broken face.

Did he really think anything could decrease my pain?

**Emmett's POV**

I asked him to come with us even though I knew the answer; what can I say, I missed my brother. Jasper and I had decided to head west to eat as he said he had spotted quite a few animals along the borders of our land when driving up here, I wasn't too pleased to be hunting so near to home but my eyes were now a pitch black and I wasn't going to complain at getting some food quickly.

Edward's "rejection" had created a bit of an awkward barrier between Jasper, I wasn't too sure whether we should talk about his abnormal actions (for vamps) or just completely cut him out of the conversation, they both have their advantages and disadvantages but after a few minutes of quickly following Jasper's heels I decided to break the silence and talk about Edward.

"Do you think finding her grave will stop his pain?" I blurted out; not meaning it to sound so blunt but to be honest blunt's really my trademark.

Jasper stopped, I thought he had stopped to answer my question, but after sniffing for a couple of seconds his posture changed quickly in to one of defence, mine changed that little bit after his and I waited for him to explain.

"There's another vampire here." He hissed, prowling forward. I followed him without a second thought, instantly ready for a fight and actually a bit exited.

"Just one?" I asked.

"Yes, and by the smell of her she's a female." He was talking to me in such a low grumble that no human would ever be able to understand or hear, even close up.

"Are we going to get her?" I asked sniffing the air and smelling the brilliant stench of a female vampire, the smell was magnificent to my nostrils but I knew the dangers vampires held no matter how good they smelled.

"Yes, she's on our land." With that he set of at a fast pace never coming up from his crouch and, naturally, I followed.

When we were about three quarters of a mile from the origin both Jasper and I spotted an old decayed garden house which Esme had almost decided to fix up last time we were here, it looked like the vamp was inside.

"What do we do?" I growled.

"We can take her, huts be careful, she may be a blood drinker which usually spells hostility." I nodded following Jaspers quick sprint.

We reached the shed in less than five seconds and were standing outside the doors ready to fight.

"I am Jasper Hale, part of the Cullen clan; I am full vampire, state your name and reason for being on our land."Jaspers voice was one which was not to be messed, "I warn you, there are two of us, if you choose to fight you will lose," he added in a hissing after touch.

No answer.

"What the..?"

"Shh, I think it's a trap. Come out, we are warning you."

Still no answer and no sound of movement either.

He gave me a sharp nod of the head and we both smashed through the rotting doors.

There, sprawled on the floor was one of the saddest sights I have ever seen. A woman vampire, just as Jasper had predicted, stared up at me with unseeing eyes, the blank expression on her butterscotch irises was creeping me out within milliseconds, her hair was something I had never seen before, pure white with one fading streak of brown, it wasn't that she was an aged vampire, she must have only been eighteen at the most when she was changed, her body was perfection just as much as Rosalie's, she was just about the most pathetic looking vampire I had ever seen, yet she was also one of the most beautiful, her features perfect themselves as they mixed together.

As I stared into her eyes I found that there was almost nothing in them, the sparkle that lit normal beings eyes wasn't there, I felt pity run through me as I noticed the state of this undead being, her clothes were in tatters to the extent of inches in holes.

I checked Jasper, pulling my eyes of the creature and he seemed just as shocked as I, I bent down slowly, lifting her into my arms and taking off with Jasper behind me.

I had never seen any existing creature look so dead.

***AN – What did you think? Things will be explained quite a bit in the chapters coming up, I've already worked out most of the plot but I would definitely love some constructive criticism – hint hint :) – Review please x***


	3. Lost

***AN – This chapter is quite hard going – but I think it's not too bad ;) – A huge, gigantic thanks to Kaori Kuni – who gave me a true constructive criticism xxx – and another big thankyou to anyone who had read and is reading xxx – R & R please***

Crazy in Love ch 2

I had been given my old room and when I entered I found it almost identical to memory, the only real difference was the updated technology, my CD player now took microchips and my books now had a small lining over the front of them enabling them to be scanned onto a computer so you could now read them both ways, my large beige sofa sat in the middle of the room and I collapsed into, revelling in the comforting effect it had on my skin.

Trying to keep at bay the memories which were now pushing and pulling inside me, trying to find their way inside my mind, I grabbed my suitcases and pulled them beside me, slowly unpacking at a human pace. I was onto my underwear when I heard it; the swishing sound which was created by vampire's fast movements. I sniffed trying to catch a whiff of who it was, guessing it was both Emmett and Jasper back early for some reason but the wind was blowing in the opposite direction and I couldn't smell a thing.

I made my way down stairs little by little, still not bothered to even put on a short spurt. When I reached the bottom I sniffed again this time catching the unmistakable scents of my brothers and something quite different from what I had ever smelt, it was exquisite, the unending scents of flowers and other thing which only added to its wonder and I didn't have a name for, the only other scent which I would have switched it for I would never smell again, and the thought was quickly put to the back of my mind as I felt my knees tremble.

I walked to the living room door and opened to reveal our vast living area and everyone of my family inside. On the sofa was the most beautiful vampire I had ever seen, her hair was a stunning snow white with a beautiful yet faded brown streak, her nose was perfectly angular, she had a long face just like _her, _her lips were full yet a pale pale pink. Her skin was pastel white and her clothes were in tatters yet she was still a perfect beauty.

I didn't know what to make of the scene, my thoughts were screaming to go closer, that they liked what they saw but my heart was repeatedly reminding me of my pain, in the end I chose to stay put and watch as the scene unfolded.

"I don't know what she was doing in our land but she's not said a word since we saw her, I carried her the whole way here; when I found her she was lying in the bottom of the old shed about 3 and a half miles out from here." Emmett stated his face serious, something which was often hard for him to do.

"I thought she might be a threat, or this might be a trap, but I tried to feel her emotions and give her some but I don't think my powers work on her, I don't believe she is trying to full us now." Carlisle nodded thoughtfully and turned to Alice.

"Can you see her future?" Her eyes closed like she was concentrating and seconds later opened again."Not a thing." Carlisle turned his head to me.

"Edward?"

I tried to listen, opening up my mind and I found nothing, nothing to tune into, only the rest of the families thoughts buzzing through me.

"Nothing." Just like _her_.

"Okay, let's see if she can speak." He said leaning closer to her so he was only inches from her ears. "What's your name?" suddenly her hands were gripping the leather sofa, pulling out lumps of stuffing and ripping through the materials while Esme looked on wincing a little, then she spoke, almost a whisper and definitely a moan.

"Victoria,"

I felt a jolt of surprise and a twinge in chest as I remembered the fiery haired beast I had tried to track, but there could be more than one Victoria vampire, as this girl was showing.

"Okay, Victoria," Carlisle spoke in a soothing tone, trying to calm her while I felt the magnetism between me and the beauty, her voice had only made it stronger, silky even through the pain. "Can she open her eyes?" Carlisle asked Jasper and Emmett and the both nodded.

"She's vegetarian," Jasper stated, surprising me even more.

I inched my way forward, eventually coming to a halt beside Carlisle. He turned to look at me and I let his thoughts run through my head, _have you got any ideas?_

"No." As I began speaking she flailed her arms, hitting out and Jasper changed quickly into a crouch, I stayed upright and her fingers brushed lightly against my bare arm sending a high voltage through my body.

I threw my body backwards agony surging through me and ended up going through a window.

The knives stabbing at my heart intensifying and sorrow ripping through my body; no one could replace her, especially a weird vampire who had decided to take residence in my family's grounds.

My feet knew where they were going before my mind did and as the uncontrollable sobs wracked through my body, slowing my run I reached the place. I flung the gates open, snapping the padlock which kept them shut at night, I found my feet taking me to the starting of the graves, it had such an old feel about it and my memories began thinking back through the years, I stopped them and began my trance as I searched grave to grave slowly and making sure I was not mistaken, I found names which I knew were leading me to the correct place, Angela & Ben married together in death – how I wished I could have been the one under that dirt with my love, but I knew I what I would find would be a grave either lonely or married to someone else, she may have moved on – I told myself, trying to prepare but I was would never be prepared. Jessica, Lauren, Mike, Tyler, even teachers. Then I reached a grave which hurt to look at, knowing who's grave would be round about.

"_Charlie" Swan_

_Our town's beloved chief of police._

_A great man, a great Father, and a great husband._

_1968 – 2039_

_I love you dad._

That must have been _her _who had inscrolled the last line, I was surprised that Renee had put something on the grave as I knew how their relationship had ended, but Charlie deserved his shining grave stone. I touched the cold, hard rock and whispered something I had not said to him when I should have. "I love your daughter, I always have and I always will. If things had been different I would have asked you for her hand in marriage, you had a most special daughter. You were truly blessed." Another sob escaped me and I looked round about, waiting for the pain that was now building with strong force inside me to explode and drown me in torturing agony, but I could find no grave stone.

There were graves which marked Sue Swan – now I knew who's input it was. And there were other graves of interest. Charlie had a son with her, Jack, _her_ brother.

Still I found no grave and I became frantic as I searched every tombstone, none had her name on it.

I couldn't understand it, I came here to say goodbye to someone I was eternally sorry for, but there was no one to say sorry to.

I made the decision as the idea came to mind, I would find the town records of death in the hall across from the graveyard and I soon found myself climbing in a half opened window on the second floor.

I found the room marked deaths, and entered unwillingly, something still pushing me to find where my loved one was. As I reached the drawer containing the dead S's of the town I realised that she was probably remarried with a different name before she, passed away, but I opened the drawer anyway as it was the best drawer to try for her records. I found Charlie's next.

Isabella Swan.

_No, No, No._

_I can't open it._

_You have to._

_I can't._

_You need to pay your respects to her._

_I can't see the proof._

_You don't need proof, you know she's gone._

_It'll break me apart._

_You could always try the new vampire._

When that snaky thought entered my mind I ripped open the file, I was loyal to Bella and I know that no being would ever change my love, I would take the pain just to see her photograph.

My heart was destroyed when I saw her just the way I had left her, her perfect features, her mahogany hair, her eyes... Oh her eyes. Even in the picture they were deep and soulful – she looked happy.

The caption underneath the picture said – Taken before Edward Cullen left.

What?

Why was I in her file?

I read on, my mind spinning. 'Isabella Swan disappeared on May the 18th 2006, four months after Edward Cullen left her, she had told her father she would be going to her best friend Jacob Black's house but she never reached it. Her friends told of the deep depression she had entered when the young man had left, her father, Chief Swan, found that her room had been messed up and the floorboards lifted, underneath them lay pictures and keepsakes of Edward Cullen (evidence in Police hold) it is believed she found the mentioned artefacts and killed herself, a knife was missing from the Swans home, which has never been found. It is suspected she committed suicide.

Body Unfound.'

No.

It was my fault.

She killed herself because of me.

Because of me.

As my fragile mind collapsed in on itself I was relatively aware of the voices which filled my ears, the rain as I was lifted out into the open, the warm smell of my house and the comfort of my couch.

I'm a murderer.

I drove the love of my life to suicide.

I knew her pain as I ran from her and left her weeping on the forest floor.

I thought it was for the best.

I was wrong.

I thought I was sinking back into my own depression as the weeks past, my hunger becoming almost unbearable and my family trying to feed me. But then I heard a voice which I had heard once before. It tinkled like bells and the heart which I thought had become unmendable fluttered a little, almost unnoticeable, but I noticed it, I clung to it as I brought myself through the darkness, I listened to it over and over in my head as I thought of the blood I now held on my hands.

Nothing but Bella would bring my heart together, but maybe, just maybe, I could keep moving through life with this being by my side.

Maybe.

***AN – What did you guys think? Review thanks x***


	4. Shock Treatment

***A.N – sorry for taking so long! Hope you guys still read && enjoy it ***

**Carlisle's Point of View**

"Where's Edward?" Esme asked, her golden eyes locking into place with mine.

"He's still upstairs; I don't think I should disturb him for this." Esme nodded her head solemnly; we both knew what our son was going through. "Now that everyone is here, I think we should discuss what we will do about Victoria."

"I don't know what we could do, her mind seems frazzled." Emmett spoke in a saddened tone, quieter than usual. He didn't like to see someone in so much suffering.

"I can't even see her future, not even B..." she trailed of before she said the forbidden name.

"She looks in so much pain, it must have happened when she was a vampire, because her mind would have healed otherwise, Alice proves that." Rosalie added.

"I don't know what to do about her, she wouldn't be able to go to school, and her eyes are a shade lighter than ours have ever been. She must have fed lately, but not on the animals we feed."

"How can we sit and watch her, no powers work on her, she is completely cut off from us."

"Jasper, you've seen thousands of vampires come and go, have you ever met one like her?"

"Not one. But I don't like to see her lying there so... out of it; she doesn't deserve to go through this." He took a deep unnecessary breath, "I think, it may be best, if we put her out of her suffering." Suddenly the whole scene changed; Edward had his forehead pressed against Jaspers, snarls ripping from his chest.

"No."

"Calm down, Edward sit down." He took his seat as everyone stared at him, shocked by his sudden outburst. "What would you suggest Edward?" We can't leave a creature in so much pain." I realised what I had said just after I said it. He would use this against us.

"Funny that. You don't seem to bother about keeping me in my misery." Just as I thought.

"That's different, you know it is." Esme soothed, "Do you have any ideas?"

Everyone gave him there full attention as he began to speak. "Actually, I think I do."

"Go on." I prompted.

"Well I was thinking about how electric shock treatment worked on humans. It wouldn't hurt us right. Just give us a small surge of energy in our bodies. Maybe that could help restart her mind."

He had clearly given this alot of thought. I hadn't even considered Electric shock treatment. "Well... maybe it would work, we would have to try and find out."

**Later that night.**

I turned towards my troubled son, hoping that he wasn't listening to my thoughts. He was starting to like this vampire. Could it be that Bella was not really his true partner in life?

I doubted that very much, the way he had broken when he left her was evidence of my doubts, could it be that he wanted her as a new sister, a friend?

Did he see **her** in Victoria?

She wasn't very alike, but as normal sisters would she had some things which related her to Bella.

Her nose was a little like hers, straighter though. But maybe that was due to the multiple breakages of Bella's nose which had occurred during her life time.

Her lips were pale and a little scarred. It looked like she had bitten down on them repeatedly with her sharp, venomous teeth. Yet again, something that connected her to our Bella.

I couldn't really tell height wise; she hadn't stood up, and was curled into a foetal position.

She was sort of similar. But not really.

Bella was full of life, her eyes bearing her very soul.

Victoria's were the complete opposite.

We had lost a daughter just as Edward had lost his partner.

We had all seen the file which confirmed Bella's suicidal condition in the months after our separation. Alice had warned us, she had said as a sister if not a psychic that this would happen.

He never listened and I felt his pain; the thought of losing Esme made my knees tremble, the pain becoming saturated throughout my entire body, and to think that my son was going through that, and had been for the past hundred years broke my heart.

He deserves someone who will try to help him to exist. If we can bring this woman vampire back and she can at least make his pain bearable, I would be eternally thankful to electricity. It was obvious the pull he felt towards her, not in a love which would block out his and Bella's, but in a love which would connect them as brothers and sisters; at least I think so.

He loved Bella far too much to go for this vamp. Jasper is in an almost constant melancholy due to Edwards overbearing pain. We would never walk away from him, but to see him smile just once after one hundred years would be unexplainably brilliant.

I was pulled from my thoughts by Edward's dejected voice, "I think it's all in place,"

I nodded, "Right, I want you to hold her head down; lay you hand on the top of her head, gently, and if her head flies up then your hand will restrict her. Emmett, hold both of her ankles; if she jumps up in shock then you can stop her from flying right through the window, we can explain things to her."

He quickly made his way over to grasp both of her ankles, and I noted Rosalie's hand twitch a little as if to tell him not to go near the dangerous vamp. He kept walking oblivious.

"Just go Carlisle," Edward stated, "Please." He added, whining the slightest this time.

I lifted the soaked sponge, turning the voltage up to what would kill a fragile human, Edward stood his jaw clenched and I lifted my arms, the slammed them into her.

**BPOV**

The distorted images floated in front of my eyes, brushing against my cheeks, the agony which throbbed in my chest intensifying.

I tried to remember the reason for the pain, but I couldn't.

I couldn't understand why everything always blurred in and out of focus.

Why words were indistinct and faint.

Why I couldn't remember what was happening.

Why faces were hazy and unclear.

Why pain was the constant emotion in my life.

Why I didn't even really know what was going in on my mind.

Why, where and when I'd lost myself.

I was stuck inside my own mind; now and again resurfacing into a foggy world where everything seemed unfamiliar.

And now I was remembering, everything was still fuzzy and blurred, but I was sure that the brilliant red which swished in front of my eyes, brushing against my cheeks was somehow familiar, I was feeling what I felt then.

I think.

I thought as hard as I could, sift through everything which was left in my mind, trying to find what that thing which brushed so quickly against my cheek was. I finally came to the conclusion, after long, hard thinking, that it was hair. Red hair.

I trembled and my body cowered, backing away from the indistinguishable figure which was making noises, somewhat of a growl, then a trill squealing. Maybe something which my brain was remembering. Was it laughter?

As I stared unmoving, my body shaking nevertheless, I saw something through the dim fog, something which shone brightly, her piercing squeal making its way through me yet again, I felt myself whimper, my mouth opened and words came out, I couldn't control myself.

But this was only a memory, so how could I control this?

"No, no, no..." a distorted sound erupted from my mouth; I was guessing it was a fearful sound. But I couldn't feel any emotion.

Not one bit.

The shimmering object made its way closer to my skin, gently caressing my bare thighs.

Another emotion tried to make its way into my mind, could it be embarrassment. I was standing completely nude, blurring purple blotches covering pale skin. Fiery soft but strands bounced across my face, shrill squealing and suddenly a darkened red covering my hands, the side of my breast.

"You'll die soon, and your boyfriend won't be here to save you this time," a snarl erupted from the fuzzy person.

For the first time I felt something burst through the barrier, only to find that that something was pain, pain for the "boyfriend" – yet I cannot understand why.

The scarlet dripping object was raised higher and came down so quickly, slashing its way over my shaking body, coming forward the red headed creature showed her white weapons as she sauntered forward.

"Goodbye," she smirked.

CPOV

"No!" her whole body writhed as she screamed the word and I was all ready to stop the shocks but I found my depressed sons jaw locked as I decided.

He slowly shook his head at me. This meant he was beginning to bother reading our thoughts again; his mind was opening again, so we would drag on through this horrific treatment.

Hoping to save this poor girl. I once again released the shockingly high current on her. Watching it pulse through her body,

BPOV

So different, the darkness of the last images is gone and now in their place are these. Somewhat different. The brightness hit me first, what I think to be sunlight hit my face, blinding me as a soft female voice cut through the blinding lights.

"I'm so glad we're friends, I mean, I love the boys but sometimes you just need so same sex advice." She giggled a small shadow of her flitting in and out of my blocked sight. A black head, long body, disfigured face.

Unrecognisable.

Yet again the words fell out of my mouth and I was unable to stop them, "It's no bother Emily, I really love it here. It helps me too... continue." Something about the words were familiar, some sort of emotion I had felt present lately. Pain.

When she spoke again it was in a softer voice. "I can't imagine life without my soul mate. We went through alot to get to where we are and losing him would hurt too much to bear. I think I can relate, even if I've never actually had to go through it."

My legs began to stride forward while she spoke, soon I was surrounded by green and blue contrasts, green below and blue above. A soft thud began. Louder and louder until it shook my very body with its strength.

"They're back." The girl smiled.

I found myself lift up in spirit, this must be a happy moment.

Soon I found great indistinguishable creatures crouched around me, and one tall man, also with a coating of black on top of his head. He came nearer and nearer to the woman and I watched somewhat painfully as he kissed her.

Soon a thick brown creature was near me, resting his head on my chest, soft hair brushing across me.

I think I felt something.

Maybe.

**CPOV**

She seemed more peaceful now, the past shock seemed to stop the screaming. It could be working.

It had been thirty seconds and if we wanted it to go further we were best to get on with the "treatment", I turned to ask Edward what he wanted to do, I wasn't exactly sure why, Edward had probably seen her the least out of the whole family but somehow I seemed to be naturally associating her with him now.

"Go again." He spoke before I had even managed to ask a question.

Definitely an improvement from the closed down Edward, even if he was irate and angry.

**BPOV**

I was a bit more... peaceful in the memory with the beasts. But it seemed my mind had no intention of staying there.

The image of the sun and outlines faded. Becoming darker and darker until I couldn't see a thing. Only hear.

The past two occasions I was sure I could smell, but then again, everything in my mind is in such a jumble that maybe I'm wrong. I don't seem to understand or remember these occurrences but I suppose they happened.

I couldn't smell, but I could fell things on my feet, hear familiar sounds, nature.

I kept moving through the darkness, not bothering to stop; maybe I had a reason, maybe not.

Then my legs suddenly came to a halt, and I noticed that a sound which had been pestering my head as I just couldn't understand it was another set of feet. They had stopped too.

Words stuttered out of my mouth. "Okay, let's talk," I seemed to say.

Then a noise which I would do anything to here more of spoke, something which I was utterly lulled by, the perfection even in its hard tone was unexplainable. I never listened to the words, never even tried to understand them but I picked apart the velvety tones and soft accent, the little colours of emotion which slipped through the tones, hard and soft both mixed together. They didn't really fit.

The voice sounded again and again while I lapped up its wondrous qualities still not bothering to listen to the words.

This was the lost voice I had been looking for for so long. Maybe. I think.

And then it was torn apart, even the beauty in it was tortured, I wanted to scream for it to stop, I wanted to make it better, I had felt pain even just little snippets and this was the voice of the most agonized being in the world.

Then it stopped. Altogether. No more voice. And I collapsed. Wet liquid spilling out of the holes in my sight.

Pain creeping in through my surrounding barriers.

I wanted it to stop. I needed it too stop.

I screamed for it to stop.

**CPOV**

She screamed once more and I wanted to stop once again, this may be helping her but it is the most sickening repulsive thing I've ever had to watch.

Alice sat shaking in the corner, memories perhaps playing her mind. I wanted to stop when I felt a hand on my shoulder, taking the shocking device from my hand.

In a glance at my bronze haired son I found that his eyes looked worse than I had ever had seen, tortured and pained as they had been this only seemed to heighten with the current events.

I don't know what thoughts were running through his mind but they seemed to be "for the better good" I had a sudden reminder of what I had done to him.

Turned him. Making him into something of a monster. But he wasn't a monster and never would be.

What he was doing to this girl was something of a copy of what I did to him, and to Esme and Rosalie.

The list goes on of my selfish antics, always for the greater good. Just like Edward.

As he pressed the button again I saw myself in him. Selfish for the right purpose.

**BPOV**

The white shine was prominent in this hazy memory. I tried to focus in on what was shining.

What was once again distracting my eyes? The vision in front of me darted in and out focus, and I found a greasy haired, crouched, man grinning to widely to be humorous in front of me.

Blonde and handsome as could be he jumped in and out of my mind. Each time closing in on me.

Fear dripped from this memory, still not penetrating my mental force field.

My feet tried to move; they managed and bolted from the beautiful yet chilling creature.

He was in front of me in more time than I had to think.

Pushing me hurting me, talking to me, leering at me, the words were unintelligible, and the physical pain happened over and over again.

I begged yet nothing worked, he kept on hurting me, I screamed, still he kept hurting me.

The pain refused to leave me.

**CPOV**

As she twisted in obvious anguish I saw his arms shake, as if he couldn't bear to press it again.

But he did.

**BPOV**

It stopped. Someone somewhere answered my calls.

But the relief was short lived as I found my whole body working up to something.

The memory was happy but as each second stretched on in the dull fog I found myself petrified and pained. I needed to leave before whatever it was got here.

I heard something below me and to the left, a shout, a call.

"I'm coming up!"

The voice which I wanted to attach myself was back and it was the source of the building agony.

Last times encounter and a gut feeling told me of the ache which would soon arrive if I allowed this to go on.

I fought with all I could, screamed with all I could to be allowed out from this hell.

I couldn't take the pain.

So I was lifted from the hell and my mind reblocked to perfection.

Every memory repacked into my broken mind.

Pushed myself till the blackness resided over my painful being.

The dejected and unknowing state reobtained.

**CPOV**

We watched as she shook and shivered, but then went limp, her open eyes closing tightly her hand that were previously balled up into fists opened.

For a second I thought she was gone. I panicked and nearly called out, but I managed to keep my mouth closed.

My son's body drooped as the room was cast into utter silence, her head was slipped on top of his lap so quickly it would be useable to human eyes, and her eyes fluttered ever so slightly as Edward shook with dry sobs at the pain he had caused her.

"OUT!" he bellowed causing me to jump and falter on whether to stay and try and check she was okay or go. It was decided for me by Edward's menacing growl as the others flew from the room.

I took one last look at him and the poor girl then left.

Only to catch a snippet of something I which had been unheard in my home for so long.

Bella's lullaby.

***A.N – Review? Cause I love to hear what you guys think!***


	5. Family issue

*A.N – I wrote this while listening to Red – Daniel Merriweather - so enjoy guys x*

**Edward's POV**

I felt another wave of guilt as I heard Alice speaking to Victoria; no reply. Everything I had done to her had caused her pain and I just kept it going; it never made one ounce of a difference.

I now know that I must stay away from her, all I seem to do is hurt people; the list:

Victoria; physical shocking her till she screamed, not letting up because I saw an ounce of someone who is long gone inside her, my selfish heart taking over just like it did before.

My family; Ignoring them, refusing to participate in a conversations, any outings or family get togethers. Cutting them off.

Bella; k i l l i n g her.

**Alice's POV**

He thinks it's only him who suffered when Bella left, and I don't dare to set him straight, especially now, when he would blame himself.

My quirkiness is disappearing slowly as I find it hard to even have private time with Jasper, the guilt of having each other while he sits alone weighing on both of our heads.

Too see the way Jasper suffers with Edwards suicidal emotions breaks my heart. He hardly ever smiles. It reminds me of past times and I never wanted him to go back to that.

He blames himself too, I know he thinks of his self control as the reason for Edwards leaving Bella; I know otherwise.

He was leaving to protect her but it all went wrong and now every one's life is broken.

Something I now know for sure.

All is not fair in love, and the after happenings.

**Esme's POV**

My children are all becoming depressed, following in Edward's footsteps; and I don't know what to do.

I try not to think about it, but I can't stop myself, and sometimes, when I'm alone.

I think of the moment in time which will almost certainly happen.

The time when we don't catch him quick enough, when he gets past us and ends up just that bit too far ahead for us to get him.

And then he'll be gone.

Forever.

**Rosalie's POV**

I stood in front of his door, hesitating whether or not to enter my destroyed brother's room. One hundred years ago I would be worried he would hear my thoughts and tell me for himself what he wanted me to do.

But nowadays that's almost an impossibility. I feel somehow to blame for it all, I never really accepted Bella as family; what right do I have to now go in and tell him I'm sorry she's gone.

I AM sorry she's gone I'm just sorrier for Edward than her.

Watching him with the newcomer, Victoria, brought back several memories of his early times with Bella, the hesitations, the protection he always provided for her; but he's a different person now, when it comes down to it, I can see that now.

So as I stood at the door I chose the easy option, I chose to let him be; walk away.

Leave him alone.

**Jasper's POV**

More grief tumbled down on me like a ton of bricks, making me physically shake.

"Jazz?" Alice whispered. We had both been sat in silence beside the creature which is Victoria.

I just nodded in reassurance that I was fine; I wish I could block out the suffering and torture which my brother was going through, I know all too well of the pain; having felt it almost firsthand the past 100 years.

Alice and I turned to look at each other as we heard the noise coming from upstairs, the small gasp which started the dry sobbing.

Then the same noise came from the corner, and I became eternally grateful that I couldn't feel her pain, because she was sobbing just as Edward was and I really don't think I could go on if both of them unintentionally "shared" there most depressive thoughts with me.

**Edward's POV**

Through my own painful sobs I spotted an echo, unable to work out at first what it was I closed my eyes, focusing on stopping myself from sobbing.

Then I closed in on the noise, finding it was exhausting for my mind but I did find the source and it hurt more than MY crying had.

It was her and she was in obvious agony. My automatic response surprised even me as I bolted downstairs to find her curled up in the corner on a couch Alice sitting with her, stroking her hair, Jasper hovering nearby.

I stopped at the door, wondering whether I had done enough damage already.

"Come in." Alice whispered without lifting her head.

I stepped towards her, feeling a blanket of strength wrapped around me as I passed Jasper. I nodded minutely to him for his help and stepped over to Victoria, kneeling down and taking Alice's place as she moved away.

A whistle of wind told me they had both left the room and I was, for the first time, alone with her.

A loud, ragged noise filled the room once more and I at once tried to stop it. "Hush, hush." I cooed, swithering whether to touch her. In the end I decided t=on the latter.

I couldn't have her reminding me of things.

I sat like that for a while, silence but for the irregular weeping of Victoria' then she got louder and I needed to find a way of calming her.

"I know what feel like," I murmured into her ear. "I know what it feels like to want to die." I sighed in amazement at her quieting; it was working. "I know what it's like to have nothing left."

She shifted slightly, her eyes still tightly closed.

I was having the strangest feelings for her; I wasn't sure what it was but something was pulling me towards her; de ja vu's were a frequent occurrence in the past time spent with Victoria.

I lifted my hand slowly, so not to startle her, and gently placed a hand over hers; two things happened at that moment. Firstly I felt a small surge of electricity make its way up my arm and secondly her eyes snapped open.

For the first time I saw them and they where a dark, coal black.

Time to take her hunting.

*A.N. –review for me ;) – I hope you guys like it! x:( ;) x*


	6. Hunting

Crazy In Love Ch. 6

(For the first time I saw them and they where a dark, coal black.

Time to take her hunting.) last ch.

I pulled myself together both inside and out, knowing I would need to look strong physically to be allowed outside the house due to my saddened strops of late and mentally because interacting with Victoria would tear at my mind frame even further, forbidden in my mind was what she should be but I couldn't allow that, I mixed myself up with my incessant stupidity yet I continued to keep the same nature, selfish and self absorbed.

So I gently moved my hands forward, readying myself for her rejection but only reached a small tingly jolt through my finger tips as I brushed her soft skin, slipping my arms underneath her body, carefully pulling her body to my chest when standing up, then setting of for the door only to be unsurprisingly stopped by a little suspicious pixie.

"Where are you going Edward?" she asked her voice tight with anxiety.

"I'm just going hunting with her Alice, her eyes are black."

She raised one perfect eyebrow, "Are you sure, I mean it Edward, don't you dare hurt her." It shocked me the distrust she had developed in me, but I knew it right, if I was in her position it's more than likely I wouldn't even let her out the door due to sick suicidal tendencies.

"I'm sure."

"Can I come with you then? Jasper?" her golden eyes found mine; pleading with me.

"I know you have no reason to trust me-"

"It's not that I don't-"

"Let me finish know that you don't have any reason to trust me but I ask that this one time you trust me, I only want to help her; truly Alice."

Her eyes fell from mine and I decided to venture into her thoughts – "I suppose I would at least be able to see if anything happened to him; even if Victoria is blocked off..."

"So I can go then?" I felt rather stupid' like a little boy asking his mother to go out to play. But this was necessary.

"How did you know..?" Her eyebrows pulled together in a quick moment of shock before realisation filled her. "You're using your gift again, Edward." I nodded my head and was pleasantly surprised to see a smile light my solemn sisters face. "Well just be back in a few hours then; you know what Esme's like." She beamed.

She was trying extremely hard to mask my family's pain and distrust of me; it still wasn't working.

She moved from the door and I opened it into the fresh air; still carrying Victoria. The sudden breeze hit with quite a force; Victoria's hair sweeping around us both; I shivered unintentionally; de ja vu's filling me.

Sudden images flitted through my head to quick for me to stop them.

Bella on my back, her hair and the sweet, delicious smell filling the air around me. One strand of hair caught in the zipper of my jacket, no one would have noticed and smelt it but a vampire; and one as well tuned to her scent as me.

Laughing; pulling her of my back and wrapping her in my arms so quickly her eyes widened in deep shock.

"I'm sorry I scared..."

No Edward. You have to stop it. You're not there. You are standing in a forest with Victoria.

Let it go.

I opened my eyes which had automatically scrunched closed in pain; there was Victoria; staring at me with her deep black eyes.

And for a second, I could swear she turned into Bella in my head, and for a second, I could smell freesias.

One alluring smell Bella had always possessed.

But I re-blocked my mind; pushing precious Bella from my thoughts once more; concentrating souly on the vamp that was in my arms at the moment.

"Victoria," I whispered, "I am going to take you into a human less place in the forest; it'll be okay."I somehow felt she was at ill ease; her eyes had begun to dart about, her mouth twitching a little.

I made one second of hesitation before bursting into an inhumane speed.

I reached where I was looking for very quickly; the whole area was covered with nature, small animals scuttling quickly from us, herbivores were heading towards here.

I couldn't decide whether to set Victoria on the ground or not; in the end I thought it would be best to at least give her a chance to hold her own; I slowly placed her legs down before balancing out her whole body weight in the standing position. She stayed standing, swaying a little so my arms surrounded her making sure she would not fall to the ground.

But as I stood there, the seconds slowly passing by I found that she would not fall and I slowly inched myself backwards.

She staggered a little; hunching forward. I was ready to aid her if needed but she just stood there, eyes wide open, no blinking.

Still.

I thought about getting her food and handing it too her, somehow I couldn't see myself handing a dead animal to her.

She just seemed so unable to think or move never mind kill.

I waited, and I waited. Her eyes moved from the same staring spot every now and again but nothing much else I was just about ready to force myself to find her food when I heard a quiet rustle to my left. My head snapped to the side instantly alerted and what I found was quite unusual.

A grey squirrel was coming cautiously closer to Victoria. Not something the normal animal would do, Bella was once again brought to mind; if only she had been a little more normal, followed the natural human instincts, stayed away...

But my mind was dragged away from my depressing thoughts as Victoria fell into a crouch, almost like a puppet, seemingly unfocused on her prey.

But that was the thing; why was it her prey?

Her hand slid forward in one fluid movement and it was at her mouth. Her unmoving eyes filling with a different coloured liquid. Beige tints surfacing through the black.

She moved on as I followed; not knowing whether I should keep watching the mystic act. Her body sped from place to place; small animals and medium sized birds being swept up in her wake.

Blood dripped from her lips as her eyes turned paler and paler; not pure gold but sallow butterscotch.

The white clothes Alice had dressed her in were now coloured with scarlet drops.

I followed for several minutes; an educated estimate of 10 minutes.

Then she suddenly stopped, shaking, squirming, spasms rushing through her; if she had been human I would have suspected epilepsy.

She shook herself towards the ground and my natural instinct to help her took over me, I rushed to her wrapping her once more in my arms. Stroking her hair. Whispering it would all be okay. Grasping her hands in mine. Holding her tightly against me.

I could see myself in her, my emotions all found in her.

Her silent voice was now broken and screaming erupted from her in heartbroken breaths.

"Please Victoria, please don't do this." Watching her like this was scaring the hell out of me; the connection to her which was threading itself stronger and stronger through me was scaring me.

She was scaring.

What do you do with someone who has your problem when you don't have a clue how to fix your problem?


	7. I'm Back

***A.N. – Finally wrote this chapter – sorry for the delay but it is quite long so I suppose it's not all bad haha – I wrote this too – the scientist – coldplay, Red – Pieces, Somewhere only we know – Keane && Miss Invisible – Marie Digby.* ENJOY (R&&R) X**

**Crazy in Love – ch. 7**

When I returned home with a shaking Victoria in my arms I had almost no time to explain before she was ripped from my arms, Alice hurrying away with her and coming back later to apologize as I grieved in my room.

_**Knock, knock.**_

"Come in Alice," I mumbled.

She peeked her head around the door before sliding into the room silently.

"I'm sorry for earlier," she whispered, I hadn't really noticed until the arrival of Victoria that my family had taken to whispering around me, as if I was fragile and not to be frightened by loud voices. I suppose it would be unfair to bring it up; maybe I was talking differently too.

Most probably.

"It's okay Alice, you were right; I'm not to be trusted," the bitterness found its way into my voice without instruction, I turned to look at her and found that she was wearing clothes which were mismatched; not like Alice at all.

She hesitated before replying, she seemed to be trying to control herself as she spoke but was obviously unsuccessful "I never said, I mean, I never meant it to sound – like that. I just... I want my brother back," her voice broke at the end and a dry sob escaped her lips. I know that everyone around me had tried to show no sign of their sadness to me; after what I had went through they didn't feel it fair to show their grief in front of me. I only knew this because of the little drops of thought which sometimes blasted into my head when I was trying to keep them out. They had been bottling up their emotions over Bella's loss for a century now and I was surprise that Alice broke it. Again; my self-absorbed mind had been focused so closely on Bella and I's relationship I had forgotten about Alice's close friendship with her.

"I'm sorry," I breathed, unsure whether to go over to her or not; she is my sister but I haven't acted like her brother in a long time.

"It's okay," she motioned with her hand and tried to smile her way out of melancholy; her hand shook just a little as she reached it to her face in an automatic response to crying; naturally pretending to brush away a tear.

It would be a big step to start talking to them properly again, but now was the time to take it, "No it's not okay Alice,

I fell to the bed as my mind opened up to listen to her upset and was filled so horribly with her misery; cries of frustration and upset tore like wildfire through my thoughts and I had the odd urge to run from her and her wretched pain.

I have enough already to manage and I just don't want to take anymore. But for once I would not be selfish and I would pull myself up from the bed and comfort my sister. She at least deserved that from me.

I slowly stood up; trying, in vain, to stop her thought from jumbling in with mine. Her eyes opened wide in shock as she noted me coming towards her, I opened my arms to her and she ran into them hugging me tightly. "Are you back Edward? Truly back?"

I tried to relax into her family hug but it was a huge effort; I tried to place this thought at the back of my mind as I replied; "What d'you mean?"

She froze, "I just meant that you've been so," she took a breath, measuring her words out, "different since..." she trailed of and I knew what she meant. It had been pretty stupid of me not to understand in the first place."

I took her small hand in mine, "I'll try Alice; I'll really try." She let out a little sob as I let go of her hand.

"Promise?" She asked, watching me expectantly.

"Promise."

It's was hours later before I was disturbed again; the writhing image of Victoria frantically flickering inside my head; on a constant repeat.

"Edward?" Esme called from below me.

I was a little reluctant to move from where I was, but I had just made a promise to Alice and would make my best attempt at keeping it so I lifted myself of the couch, suddenly realising that I had a bed unlike the last time I lived in this room. I had been so locked inside my own mind I hadn't eve focused on the fact that my family had tried extra hard to comfort me.

I hadn't even thanked them.

I was downstairs in milliseconds, to find Esme and Carlisle walking into Carlisle's study; I followed silently, intrigued despite myself.

I entered to find both my parents seated beside each other hands intertwined on the love seat in the corner – I hadn't really remembered properly how big this place was. Well I suppose I had I just hadn't really bothered to think about the memory of it.

I sat down in the chair opposite; surprisingly awkward. These small things were making me realise the huge change.

"Edward?" Carlisle addressed me; by the way he was looking at me I believe he was trying to read me.

For the first time in 100 years I seriously considered to lay of the mind block I had tried for these past century to perfect; I considered it. But decided just to open it for a more temporary basis. Laying it off completely would be almost completely permanent; it's very hard to build up such a wall to your gift and I may be able to pull out a brick or two just to listen in but to break it down completely I would have to knock down the whole wall and it would take years to rebuild.

So for now; just this conversation.

The second my mind was open I was struck by Carlisle's anxiety and Esme's unease. I nodded once signalling them to continue.

"Alice spoke to us earlier," Carlisle radiated angst and I couldn't help but feel guilty, "After what she said, we were thinking about some options that are open to you,"

Now I was confused, I wasn't sure whether to drop my guard a little more and venture into Carlisle's thoughts a little more but it didn't matter anyway as Esme continued Carlisle's trail of thought.

"We don't want to stay in Forks for longer than a year; any less and it would look a little to... out of the ordinary. So we were just wondering if you would mind," she breathed deeply and unnecessarily, "maybe going back to school for a year," I felt my mouth drop open, I had been so sure when I had chosen to come here that I would sit out school this time, they both noted my facial expression and Esme quickly began backtracking, "As a senior for a year, but it's okay if you don't want to though; it was only idea."

"So you could spend some time with the others," Carlisle threw in; now that hit the mark. Memories of my promise to Alice flashed in front of my eyes and from that second I had my mind made up.

Painful or not.

"It's okay; I want to go." I wasn't quite sure whether it counted as a lie or not. I was now Esme and Carlisle's turn to look surprised.

"Really?" Esme squeaked a little.

"Ye-" I was cut off by a tumble of bodies; everyone hugging the hell out of me; Alice squealing and Rosalie trying not to let her hair get in a tangle; Emmett and Jasper trying to look manly but big cheesy grins lighting their face.

"I saw it while we were out hunting," she winked at me, retreating back to Jasper who quickly extended his arm around her waist, leaning over to kiss the top of her head.

"So when do I start?" I asked, turning to face Esme and Carlisle who both stood, fingers still entwined, smiling softly.

"Well today is Friday so three days time," Alice answered for them, clearly reaching her over-excited point. "I need to give myself a COMPLETE wardrobe makeover for school,"

I was hit by a sudden old memory, which crippled me momentarily:

"_So what about a makeover then?" Alice enquired gleefully, winking at a scared Bella._

"_Uhmm – I'm not really into that kind of thing, Alice," my sisters face fell in such a quick, saddening manner that even I, who had been fighting of that look for years, began to feel bad for her. _

_Jasper and I exchanged smirks as we saw Bella's resistance begin to crumble._

"_Sorry Alice I just don't really want..." she trailed of as Alice's bottom lip shot out and I couldn't stifle a snicker any longer._

_Bella turned to me a growl eminent on her face, "What?" I smiled._

"_You know fine well what," she gritted out as Alice began to smile a little, knowing she had won._

"_Actually love, I don't have a clue." I tried but failed to hold in yet another chuckle._

_Bella's eyes narrowed as she scowled, "She's your sister; you owe me," Alice began to bounce on the spot as I focused on Bella._

"_Come here," I replied, my face now poker straight and my mind listening to her quickening heartbeat._

_She took 1 step towards me and I met her there, I gently took her face in my hands, feeling her pulse through my touch; I shrugged of the bloodlust and focused in on the love I felt for her; the perfection I saw in her even with my vampire eyes. "If I do this," I kissed her slowly and extremely softly on the lips, "again, will it make up for it," I looked into her beautiful chocolate eyes and saw she had already melted into my embrace; her eyes quite glazed over._

"_Yes," she all but moaned her eyes now half close as I came closer and closer to her mouth._

"_I love you," I said just before my lips reached her._

I was pulled from the vivid and agonizing memory by Esme's voice in my ear; "please Edward, its okay," my eyes opened to find the room empty except Esme, pain in her expression.

"I'm sorry..." I began.

She shook her head and I stopped speaking. "It's okay Edward, I understand; there's no need to apologize."

I nodded again.

"Listen Edward; I feel like you've been pushed into this school thing and I just want you to know that it's okay if you can't," I knew how much it must have hurt her to say that and so I straight away knew the answer.

"No Esme, it's time I started pulling my weight; you have looked after me for a long time now and you deserve this; the same goes for the rest of the family."

I will go to school; pain is just a lifestyle now for me.

00:00

1 o'clock.

2 o'clock.

3 o'clock.

4 o'clock

5 o'clock

6 o'clock

7 o'clock and it's time to get ready for the much dreaded school.

I showered, I dried, I changed into something Alice had left out for me.

I checked in on Victoria – the thought of leaving her in the house was; shockingly against the grain. I couldn't quite understand why I didn't want to leave her or why I had the strong urge to give her hand a quick squeeze before I left.

I naturally unlocked my Volvo, ready to have a lonely 15 minutes and the whole of the Cullen & Hale kids packed into it.

Just like old times; old, happy, times.

The car ride there was almost silent and I noted in mild interest that there were new sections in the road; I couldn't quite face passing Bella's old home so I made sure I used the new roads to my advantage. The new buildings were much like the old ones, maybe a little cleaner and efficient but they sold the same kind of things; outdoor shops, fisheries, cafes... police station.

I wound around the lane leading up to the old Forks High school. To find it wasn't the old Forks high school; everything was shiny new and metal.

Except one little link onto the building, bricked and partially vandalised it looked unused. The old science block.

The faces of the now dead science class passed quickly through my mind; I found myself taken aback by the pain I felt for the loss of them.

Even Mike perverted Newton.

Because they all knew my Bella.

The office secretary woman at the door was tall and gangly; she must have been about 50. Grey roots spouted from her head, cutting of sharply after half an inch into dark brown curls. Completely unlike the last woman who I knew as the secretary.

She gave us put timetables quickly enough; I was pleasantly surprised when she didn't even attempt to flirt with me.

As usual I kept my mind closed to the thoughts and desires of the several students I passed on the way to my first class; however, I did not miss the several whispers and awed glances our arrival had caused; one particular young girl actually dropped her books right at my feet as I passed; I suppressed the urge to keep on walking and quickly gathered up the books for her; not even glancing at her face as I continued my way towards the English corridor.

I opened the metal door to my new class, and allowed myself to slip into a trance like state; a masking of my true agonized and pained identity.

The next four classes slipped by rather quickly, this school never held many memories for me except from surnames. In second period I was surprised to find a Newton as my tennis partner. I expected the horrible nature of his ancestors to prevail but I found only a nice quiet boy; bucktoothed a tad geeky but quite built physically.

Fourth period and I found a certain Alyssa Cheney who had the exact same face structure as Angela Webber from long ago had possessed. She did not surprise me and was just as quiet as Angela and Ben had been.

Lunch was much the same as lunch had always been. Picking up food that would never be eaten, sitting at our own table, trying to avoid several stares. A few people approached us welcoming us, one of them being so nervous I could actually see her knees knock together.

Alice being Alice was friendly as ever and she did the most of the talking. Emmett just grinned at one and she almost took off running. As per usual there were several girls looking at me in particular; the only Cullen without a partner.

I was glad that none of them would ever have to go through Bella went through with me.

Fifth period was maths and I suppose that's all you can really say for that; been there, done that and bought the bloody 500 textbooks.

Biology was along the corridor lining the courtyard; the outside pond very close and obviously useful for the several scientific experiments.

De ja vus where overwhelming me but I refused to let them take over as I entered the vast classroom; going straight to the petite woman teacher speculating over a dissected beetle. "Excuse me?" I asked; no answer. "Excuse me." I asked again a little louder; still no answer.

"MZ GERALDS!" a large boy bellowed as her bounded into the classroom, his arm wrapped around the waist of a bust brunette.

Ms. Geralds head popped up quickly; her glasses slightly askew and her eyes just beginning to focus."Wh – what?"

"I'm Edward Cullen." I stated, taking a mental note to tell the rest if the Cullen's of this teacher's eccentric behaviour. "I'm new here."

She stared at me for a second, quite confused; then a light seemed to switch on and she jumped a little as she realised who I was. "Yes, yes, yes class." She smiled as she addressed the class loudly her arms flung wide open, "this is our new addition, Edward Cullen."I put on a light smile as I went to sit at the empty double desk near the back. "No, no," the weird teacher stopped me in her tracks flailing her arms about as she went on, "we are going outside today and we will be collecting a large number of species from the school pond to dissect – it's the fun part of the course!" she cried.

I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes at the obviously lunatic teacher when a young girl came through the classroom door; rushing with her head down over to the teacher.

"Why are you late?" Ms. Geralds asked sternly.

"I had yearbook Ms. and I have a note from the principal to show you," she rummaged around in her bag finally dropping it onto the desk in front of her in frustration, "I know I put it in here somewhere," she mumbled. Finally extracting a crumpled sheet of paper and handing it to the teacher in a sort of proud manner.

Ms. Geralds read it then passed it back, satisfied. "We were just going outside to the pond, partner up and we'll get going."

I watched as she looked around the class in every other direction than me, always getting closer but never showing me her face. I don't believe for a second she done it intentionally, it was just seemed to be an awkwardness she seemed to have.

She reached me just as she had finished zipping up her backpack, I watched her lithe fingers slip into the side pocket and pull out some chap stick, quickly sliding it across her lips before brushing the vibrant copper locks out of her eyes; she glanced up at me; I stumbled backwards in pain and shock.

Large chocolate brown eyes peered at me from an exceptionally beautiful face.

The only human that could have topped the beauty was my true love.

But this was Bella's eyes; the extreme perfection of shapes and colours blended together to give the most mesmerizing stare.

I almost relapsed into another memory when she spoke; not like Bella's voice but... it had the depth to it.

The similarities pulsed through me driving me crazy on the spot. "Hi, I'm Isabella; Ella." She smiled as my hands began to shake with the power of holding myself up.

"Isabella?" I questioned slowly and quietly.

"Ella," she answered with a large smile and an extension of the hand. I was scared of touching her but I done it; I reached my hand forward and shook; relieved to find no tingles. "So..." she continued, "we're supposed to partner together now you're at my desk, come on then," she turned and began walking in the opposite direction and straight away I wanted to drag her body around and make her let me stare into her eyes; relive many beautiful memories.

But I didn't, I just followed in disbelief.

We exited the school into the fresh, wet air of Forks; I heard Ella pull in a breath of fresh air in relief and suddenly the frustration of being unable to see her eyes, Bella's eyes, sent me stupidly pushing myself in front of her and holding her shoulders carefully as I stared into her eyes.

"What you doing?" she mumbled as I felt my walls all tumble down around me; just the relief that Bella in some way was living on was relief enough for me to at least listen to people.

I **wanted **to listen to Ella's thoughts; but even though the familiar buzzing filled my ears quick enough, when I focused in Ella I found nothing but images, pictures of her feelings; the colours flung at me through her mind showed her fear and yet her admiration of me.

The brown pools of soul suddenly weren't enough to keep me touching another human girl and I recoiled from her as quite quickly at the thought of hurting her; even though my vampire-kill-human instincts were put under control long ago.

"I'm sorry," I murmured as she stared at me in shock. I quickly tried to stop the buzzing from filling my head and found that it was a herculean effort compared to before; an immense struggle, but for now it would be worth it, I needed some quiet time in my thoughts.

"Why did you do that?" she asked, only then did I realise that half of the class was staring at me in shock.

I began to laugh loudly; it was fake and it had not been done in me for at least a century, I near went into hysterics in my falsity.

The rest of the class at first just stared, then a few broke into giggles, then more; and finally everyone was laughing. "I'm. Sorry." I breathed through fits of laughter, "it was just you face. So funny," she blushed a scarlet red and I felt instantly horrible for the humiliation I had caused such a special girl.

"It wasn't funny," she gritted through her teeth.

I lowered my voice so only she could hear, "I'm sorry honestly, it was only a joke; please don't hold it against me," her face stiffened before relaxing a little; the scowl completely disappearing from her face."

"Since it's your first day; but don't do it again." I never answered; honestly not ready to commit myself to that promise. I wasn't quite sure how I was getting through this day; I needed to know more, why she Isabella.

I waited for the rest of the class to get back to what they were doing then I collected a plastic container with little holes on top; I handed it to Isabella who had a little blue net in her hands.

"You're doing the first one," she stated raising her eyes brows, "you owe me."

I nodded as I stepped forward my eyes catching the little toad at the side of pools movement and quickly I slashed the net down; setting the little frog into the plastic container with in about 3 seconds. Very quick, but not quick enough to be called inhuman.

"Wow," she gasped, "how did you do that?" I shrugged my shoulders as I watched her bend down the pond; concentrating solely on finding another little creature to dissect.

Questions which had been swirling around inside my head for the past ten minutes slipped out of my mouth, "Isabella's an unusual name," I prompted, "pretty though,"

She brought her head up from near the pond and looked into my eyes while answering; I put all my best efforts into actually listening to the answer, "Well it's kind of a family name; like a tradition thing."

"Really?" now we were getting somewhere, "How so?"

"Well, it's kind of a long story." She replied, moving herself around the pond a little.

"We have the rest of the period," I answered; curiosity overwhelming me.

"Uhmm... it all started with my great grandpa; his sister died before he was even born, Isabella," I felt a tearing at my heart as I realised who she was talking about, "to be honest I'm not even sure why he decided to call his first girl Isabella cause even the police thought it was suicide," again my heart was ripped at, "but anyway; apparently she was like this really nice person and her father, like my great great grandfather, always said that she would never commit suicide no matter who the boy was, so-" I cut her off quickly.

"What boy?"

"The police thought that she killed herself because a boy left her some months before her death,"

Charlie was chief of police; would he not be persuaded by the evidence that she took her own life; "How old was she when it happened?" I asked; of course I knew the horrendous answer but I had to sound like an outsider to the conversation.

"I think she was like 17, 18, come here and I'll check," she stood up and began walking towards a built up part of the pond I had not yet walked around to.

"Wh-what?"

"They have a little memorial thing for her over here, they had it put in like 80 years ago; al her old friends from school I think," my breathing had quickened and the torture I now felt was so intense I was nearly closing my eyes over and curling up into a ball because of it.

I reached the remembrance plack and I read it over in a second.

Isabella Marie Swan.

1987 – 2005

She interrupted my heart broken thoughts, "they never found a body so they put this plack in instead, it's like one of the oldest things around here; except from the old science block; it's not used or anything but it was like a listed building when they knocked the old school down, because it was built a few years before the other parts of the building; so it just kinda stayed."

She didn't know I was hurting so much from her words, s she continued to talk about Bella thinking I was just an interested new boy.

What she didn't know was that I was that boy.

The rest of class passed at a snail's pace; all I wanted to do was get out of here and run from everything; when the bell finally rung I sprinted at a humans pace from the spot and flung my cars keys at Jasper as I passed him; taking a different route... home.

***A.N. – hope you guys liked it – Review cause you love me and cause I want to know where you think he's going ;)***


	8. Inability

***A.N – I know it's taken me AGES to update and most of you probably thought I had deserted you – but the truth is I have been busy with other fan fics and with life really - this chapter isn't very long – but hopefully it will lead the foundations to a longer chapter, and soon – so enjoy guys and again, my apologies for taking so long!**

_**[Songs I listened to while writing this...**_

_**Let it Die by Three Days Grace.**_

_**&& **_

_**Finally by The Frames]**_

I trudged through nearly a mile of mud, the rain now torrential. Within the time it had taken me to get from the school to the forest edge the clouds had broken apart in the sky.

When I reached the concealing forest trees I slowed to a humans walk – even though I was itching to be in my true home, I couldn't run anymore. Not because of any physical restraint, but I just couldn't push myself to do anything at this moment.

I walked for several minutes before I was soaked through, the rain felt warm on my icy skin, so did everything in this place – so when I came to a large chunk of rock, instead of side stepping it I allowed it to snare my foot, tripping myself over, face first into the mud.

I made a half hearted attempt to turn myself over to the clean air instead of letting mud fill my lungs as I continuously breathed in and out – swallowing clumps of it.

But I stopped myself as I realised that it was helping, in some way to hurt me – it made me feel ill, sick, Food always seemed to taste like muck in this life and now I could actually taste it – it was putrid – I wanted to spit it all out and scrape my fingers at the back of my throat just to retrieve the last of it.

But it was deserved to I continued to breath it in, until my very body was saturated in the horrid liquid, inside and out.

I wanted to die.

My fist beat holes into the forest floor, gurgling noises the only way I could scream as the mud filled the hole of my throat and blocked up my lungs.

I needed to hurt myself and I just didn't know how – I made use of the only object I held which could cut through my skin – my teeth.

I ripped at my arms with them – the venom stinging at them. But I rejoiced in my pain – more masochistic than I had ever been.

There was only one thing that was stopping me from biting any deeper, from tearing myself apart while I lit a match, was my family's faces – their pain and unhappiness which was brought on by mine. Victoria's stunning face; her pain.

I stopped hurting myself and just lay down – still – I would never make it to the meadow now. I couldn't move if I tried.

I thought of darkness – of what I believed my hell would be like – I deserved hell – I was a murderer.

I wanted the burn of the venom to lock into my bones, the animal blood which makes its way around my body to boil in agony.

I turned off – noises and smells being tuned out of my head – soon I even had a sort of numbness projected into my brain.

I was switching off.

I don't know how long I lay there, unable to move – darkness covering my mind. When suddenly I felt tremors in the ground, heard movement in the trees.

I didn't move an inch – hoping it was just animals, not bothering myself enough to even lift my head. I couldn't even pull my abilities out of myself and try to find out what it was that had found me.

Fear exploded into me as something or someone touched my back softly – I suddenly realised that if I had let myself be found by a human then it would put my whole families existence into danger –nowadays they don't just bury you – they do all sorts of tests which would prove to them I was not of the normal sort.

I panicked as I lay still, hoping that some brave animal had come to see the "dead human" – cursing myself over and over again at my stupidity. I should have known not to leave myself in the open sight of humans.

If my family had to move because of me, again, I would never forgive myself – because after all the problems I had caused them this would just be another one. I wish they had just let me go – when I told them I wanted to be away from them – just like Bella had...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The pain was so deep. So overwhelming. As something turned me over, I still had no sense of who it was –now, all I knew was that it must be human – my eyes were closed and my airways blocked.

I felt the regret wash over me as it was confirmed that I would have to move my family from this place – just as I had moved them many years ago – causing a ripple effect of heartbreak. Me, Bella, Charlie, and everyone else who had been drawn into Bella's life in some way.

"Oh dear God..." the unmistakable, shocked voice of Jacob Black filled the air and my eyes snapped open to find the amazed, pain filled face of his.

"Jac-ob" I croaked, mudding spilling out of my air holes.

"What is it?" the loud, voice of Seth Clearwater entered my head just as his body rushed up to look over me, his eyes popping wide as he took in my state. "Edward... Cullen?"

I only knew the faces and voices of them because I was there deepest darkest enemy – their tribe's number one enemy. The must be werewolves – it would be the only possible way. One of these boys had known my Bella, had been friends with her. He had told her that I was a vampire. I know for a fact he wasn't a werewolf then.

Just then my automatic gag reflexes were hit properly and I started to choke again, spewing up muck and dirt, I never even realised I had swallowed so much – Jacob and Seth hesitated for a few seconds before pulling me up to sitting position and hitting my back softly.

I envied them as they pitied me – now and again exchanging looks of horror and grief at my sickened state, I couldn't understand why they were being still with me. They were werewolves and I'm a vampire. The two don't fit together in any way yet they were here.

"I'm so sorry," Jacob mumbled, making me ask myself, why was he sorry?

***A.N. – I know it isn't very long but I would be totally thankful if you guys would review x ;)***


	9. The Truth

***A.N. – I've had two broken elbows a new job and exams, go figure. Apologies for the update taking so long, but if you had been living my life lately you would know why lol. I love you guys if you have stuck with me in faith ;) And aloha to all my new readers :D***

When I had finally recovered enough to speak, I set my mind to asking one question, and only one. I didnt care if they were werewolves, infact, I knew they were, their scent proved that for sure. I was just overwhelmingly curious, what did Jacob Black need to apologise for, in all honesty, I would have thought it would have been me that needed to apologise, afterall, I killed his friend.

"Why are you sorry?" I murmered, it was all I could manage.

His brown eyes seemed to darken to black at the question, filled with pain, I wanted to read his thoughts, I wanted to let go those walls that protected me at other times, but a nonvampire exhaustion was upon me. My race was not usually filled with such a heaviness, such a pure striking pain – one which took up so much of our extra mind space that thinking of other things was actually hard. Unheard of really. I waited a few seconds before dropping my eyes to the floor, I couldn't hold his gaze any longer, their was agony in his eyes, their brown was different to my... to Bella's, but they were brown all the same, and the way that the pain had overcome them so quickly brought back memories I would rather forget, ones which I prayed could lose their clearness through time, but that was not the vampire mind, the memories would never blur. They would be as clear as if it was just yesterday I broke her heart then left her for her own mind to reutter his painful words into her mind and force her to leave the world. I began to see that she truly had loved me as muchas I had loved her.

I saw Seth leave at a small flick of Jacob's hand; pure obedience, Jacob was the werewolves leader, it could only be expected, he was descended from the last cheif I had known.

Jacob waited maybe a minute more, maybe two, maybe ten. The time was playing with my mind, indecipherably, every time I began to count seconds I thought of her. 1, 2, 3, 4... The tresses of mahogany brown tumbling across her shoulders. 9,10, 11, 12... Her lips parting, two pearly white teeth nibbling down in anxiousness. 43,44,45... The tiniest drop of mud spattering onto her perfectly shaped jaw as she watched the Cullen's play basketball, the smile on her face was so open, so pure, it trusted everything about the situation.

"Did you love," he took a breath but his voice still shook on the last word, "her." He did not have to speak her name, I knew who he spoke of, in my eyes, she was the only one in the whole world deserving of such emotion. But I was bias.

I lifted my eyes to his before I answered, he seemed to only have aged around ten years, but his face knew wisdom. It was as simple as that, his face had grown uccustomed to knowledge, his eyes were full of it, and his mind had been read i was sure that the thoughts would be of a world weary person.  
"You know I did."

"Why did you leave her?" He partially moaned the question and I found myself again wondering why he wasn't angry, I wouldn't have minded him tearing me apart. I couldnt do it ti myself for the guilt of hurting my family, but if someone else done it for me, it wasn''t really the same, it wouldn't by mt fault, not really. I couldn't answer him. It was as though the mud once again was clogged in my throat and it was impossible. I shook my head instead, my eyes once again downcast. "Y-you left her open for-" his voice tremored to a halt before it continued, as her friend he must have felt responsible for what happend, he finished his sentence of in the same tortured voice, "-all of it."

"I know." I answered him, trying to tell him with as little words as I could that I took the blame, it was my fault.

"But I'm still sorry, I shouldn't have just left her like that," I assumed he was talking of how he accepted the loss of her friendship when she was with me, they never really hung out when I was with, which had been alot.

"It's not your fault Jacob," I spoke with some of my former stength returning to my words, "if I hadnt left her, she wouldnt have done what – what she done."

Jacob's head snapped up, anger finally lightiing his eyes, I waited for the onslaught of the best but it didnt come, he only growled out a few short words, "it wasn't her fault what happened."

I wasn't sure how to reply to his words, I hadn't said it was her fault, "I never realised she loved me so much to... do that to herself or I-" he cut me off.

"SHE never done anything!" he raged, if you hadnt left those leeches behind she would have been fine, she would have been with me-" it was my turn to interupt, my mind spinning.

"I never left anyone behind,"

"I didnt mean a Cullen, I meant the enemies you left Bella to deal with-"

My mind spun, I saw the rush of the red head and my eyes opened fully to the world, this was the details of my Bella's life that I didn't know, I bit back the pain, and stood up straight to face Jacob, to listen with superhuman intelligence, to take in every letter into my mind and understand the exact meaning, it was like waking from a dark dream, the colours were once again bright and glossy on the leaves and flowers of the forest. I knew, deep down that it would not last, that once the story was told I would retreat into my hermit shell, but for now, I was open to stories of my beloved. With a force that came only from the images of Isabella Swan, I let down the mind blocks, and as he spoke, I saw the images in his mind.

I saw her.

I saw her being attacked, being bitten by Victoria.

Then I saw her change, I saw her change into something so wondrous and so familiar.

I saw the slight crooked nose which had been broken a good few times change into the beauty which I had already seen before. I saw the lips become redder, fuller. I saw the eyes change shades.

I saw her change from Bella to Victoria.

The hair was still a sweet brown and the features were not, the only way to explain it was blurred, as if the bones had been crumbled underhand and replaced themselves over years. Over a century. The eyes were a blood red but I could see them now, amber. Their shape in the face was not in hollowed socket, ones which looked scratched and disfigured, they were perfect.

I saw my Bella on the couch. On the Cullen couch. On my couch. In my home. Changed. Broken. But Bella. My Bella.

She was home, she was living.

She was changed and changed again but she was mine.

***A.N. Reviews are welcome, I guess a little undeserved for taking so long o update, but all the same, I take time to work on this chapter and reviews mean alot. Xxxxx***


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